And I'll deal with you like that

 "And I'll deal with you like that."

"That sounds endearing, doesn't it? Where could I have met a man like him? He'll take care of me through heaven and hell, through the bad and the good. But who's going to tell him? I don't want to deal with myself like that.

Who's going to tell him that I can't carry on like this? Who's going to tell him that, forget others living with me, living with myself is insufferable, that living with myself is only tolerable when I'm not myself, that living with my reality is difficult.

People will tell you they're bad. People will tell you they've done bad things. They'll ask you not to judge them, not to hold them in contempt, not to hate them when you see their reality. But who are you to judge? Who are you to call them out? Who are you to point fingers when you don't even want to live with yourself?

Why would I ask someone to stay in my life to improve my life, to not leave me alone, to not leave me in this darkness when I don't even want to stay in my own life? I wish to abandon myself, like my father wishes he did, like my mother wishes she did.

I want to abandon myself, leave all my virtues and all my responsibilities, to stay in a forest, to live off birds and the bees.

I want to abandon myself, leave all these dreams. These dreams don't even seem mine; what are they but wishes of what I could be, what I would be, what I should be?

I want to abandon myself, leave my thoughts and aspirations, drop dead in the middle of nowhere, no concerns and no responsibilities.

I want to abandon myself and all the people around me. I don't have many friends, and yet I keep abandoning new ones every day.

I want to abandon my love. I don't think I will be able to love him as he needs. I don't think I'll suffice for his dreams and keeps.

I want to abandon my cat; he wakes me up too frequently. I don't think I can happily feed him at 4 am and pet his head until he falls asleep.

I want to abandon my parents; I don't think I can love them unconditionally. I don't think I'll be able to carry on their lineage. I don't think I will be able to not hate them finally.

I want to abandon my body; for far too long, I haven't been able to provide it the exercise and nourishment it needs.

I want to abandon myself. I don't think I'll be able to love myself as I deserve. I don't think I'll be able to accomplish my dreams or take care of my responsibilities. I don't think I'll be able to love myself.

I want to abandon myself. I don't think I'll be able to take care of myself the way I need to. And it doesn't seem fair for the people who want to see me grow and the ones who want to see me sail.

I want to abandon myself, for no one else deserves to see, meet, and live in the world with a misery, a misery that is me."